(no subject)

[lazchan]

I'm tired of being depressed, of feeling useless and doing stuff wrong. I'm tired of waiting for a friendship that won't come back and I'm really tired of being lied to, tricked and left out of things on purpose. I don't like being back-stabbed.

I want to go to a friends house and not be scared to because there are people there that apparently can't stand me. I want my old friendships back, but it's not going to happen.


I want to go back east, back to Virginia. It's been six years since I've seen my family; granted, we're not all that super-close, but I'd like to at least see them again. I miss my friends and the east coast and jobs that are actually in my field.

I've tried to find out what I did wrong. I know there are several things about my that weren't flattering that I've worked on and struggled with. I've been an annoyance and an irritating brat. I've apologized and retreated and tried to make amends. I still don't know the whole problem or picture, but you know what? I don't need to.

It's easy to say that, but it's harder than anything in the world to try and believe that. It's so very hard to overcome the want to be back in that circle of friends I had before. I don't want to believe I can't get it back somehow, but .... so much trust has been shattered. I tell myself, I don't want it back because of that, but I do.

I want it to be at least civil.

I know that it's not all my fault; I've had several people tell me that and that it's good to just let go.

I want to let go... but I hate giving up on anything that means anything to me--and that includes friendship. I hate hurting those I care about and when I don't know what I did to hurt, it bothers me. It'll bother me until I know.

*sighs*

See? Pointless rambling is pointless. :P

Comments

[aishuu.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[lazzchan.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Thanks.

[shinya-diey.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Wish I could do more.

[ambrosiatea.livejournal.com]

I've been in a similar position before. My advice is something you already know but don't seem to be capable of doing...is to let them go. Move on and meet new people. Belonging to a circle of friends is intoxicating, I know. It's wonderful and beautiful and when it comes crashing down without your notice, it's emotionally devastating. Friends come and go- that's the way world works. Some people manage to have lifelong friends (and really, they're very lucky), some don't.

Stop focusing on what you did wrong, chances are you weren't the only one fouling up the relationship. And if someone doesn't like you in a group, that's their problem. Ignore it and continue to be yourself. The people you actually want as friends will flock to you eventually.

And just because you let them go doesn't mean that your time with them becomes instantly irrelevant. And as cliche as it is to say, you'll always have your memories of the good times.

Sorry if I'm being too repetitive, forward as a stranger from the internet (and yes I am a fan of your fics) but I mean it! I've been there girl! It's an ugly place to be in and you need to get out of it!

[lazzchan.livejournal.com]

:)

It means a lot to have an outside view, too. I've been up and down about this whole mess for months, so yeah-- this is my way of trying to reason it out and drain it.

[lazzchan.livejournal.com]

*snugs*

Thanks~

[baine.livejournal.com]

*hugs and love*

(Although, this side of the country isn't any better when it comes to jobs)

And it's not the same situation, but I know what you mean about friends. There are so many people I've become severed from and I no longer have a support network, so it gets lonely. I just want to move someplace that has a real job so I can have a real life.

Good luck to you! *hug*

[lazzchan.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks, dear. Yeah-- I know it's not going to be the ideal wonderland when I move back east, but there's more there than in Utah-- and I've been asked about when I show my resume, so... *shrugs* There's half a hope at least.

And just think of all my awesome friends on the east coast!

[noxiaa.livejournal.com]

It's easy to say that, but it's harder than anything in the world to try and believe that.

You know what I've found helps me? If I repeat things enough times, I actually start to believe it. It's not fast, it can take months if not years, but eventually paying lip service many times ends up becoming truth. Again, that's me, but it's an idea.

I want to let go... but I hate giving up on anything that means anything to me--and that includes friendship.

Oh, Lazz, I so hear you on that one. And it does bother you not knowing what you did to cause offense. But you know what? Sometimes it wasn't something you did to cause offense, but something else in the other person's life, or their own sense of guilt/unworthiness/whatever have you that brings the friendship to a close.

Sometimes you just grow apart (like a couple of my friends got married to each other. He stayed just as sweet as ever, she turned into a raving beyotch. I couldn't stand seeing how she treated him, so I stopped hanging out with them). Sometimes it truly is their issues (one friendship the fact that she was the driver in a car accident was in that left my right elbow permanently messed up, and she constantly felt guilty and that it was her fault I got hurt. I tried to work it out, figure out what I had done wrong, but it was absolutely nothing I had any control over. I couldn't help the fact I was hurt. I didn't realize why she was acting so weird until we'd fallen out of touch. (I was also a clingy little thing, which didn't help because the more she tried to push me away, the harder I fastened on. It's sadly hilarious looking back)

You're not "giving up" on the friendships. You've just grown apart from them and they are a part of your history. And the past should stay in the past as building blocks for your future.

Something that helps me, if you're capable? The sting of the loss of old friendships fade when new ones are made. Again, at least in my case. Start with co-workers maybe? Or attend a group you have an interest in (like this past weekend I'd gone to a NaNoWriMo meeting).

And your rambling had many good points, and venting is good and constructive. Besides, if you hadn't rambled, look at all the advice you wouldn't have gotten!

*huggles*

[lazzchan.livejournal.com]

*snuggles*

I adore your good, common-sense way of looking at all this. ^_^