(no subject)

[lazchan]

I'm tired of being depressed, of feeling useless and doing stuff wrong. I'm tired of waiting for a friendship that won't come back and I'm really tired of being lied to, tricked and left out of things on purpose. I don't like being back-stabbed.

I want to go to a friends house and not be scared to because there are people there that apparently can't stand me. I want my old friendships back, but it's not going to happen.


I want to go back east, back to Virginia. It's been six years since I've seen my family; granted, we're not all that super-close, but I'd like to at least see them again. I miss my friends and the east coast and jobs that are actually in my field.

I've tried to find out what I did wrong. I know there are several things about my that weren't flattering that I've worked on and struggled with. I've been an annoyance and an irritating brat. I've apologized and retreated and tried to make amends. I still don't know the whole problem or picture, but you know what? I don't need to.

It's easy to say that, but it's harder than anything in the world to try and believe that. It's so very hard to overcome the want to be back in that circle of friends I had before. I don't want to believe I can't get it back somehow, but .... so much trust has been shattered. I tell myself, I don't want it back because of that, but I do.

I want it to be at least civil.

I know that it's not all my fault; I've had several people tell me that and that it's good to just let go.

I want to let go... but I hate giving up on anything that means anything to me--and that includes friendship. I hate hurting those I care about and when I don't know what I did to hurt, it bothers me. It'll bother me until I know.

*sighs*

See? Pointless rambling is pointless. :P