lazchan: (blah blah blah)
Who is that girl I see, staring straight, back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide, who I am, though I've tried
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Self-image is a funny thing; how you perceive yourself and what others perceive of you. It's almost hard when you try very hard to alter your image to fit that of those around you, even if they don't care. It's that whole concept of "fitting in" that never goes away. For a while now, I've been trying to get back into the groove of things, of people and events and what's going on. A conversation with a friend made me realize a few things.

Namely: It's okay to not pretend to be interested in something that I'm really not all that into. It's okay to be quiet and sit back and listen to the others talk, without trying to chime in, just so that I feel like I belong in the group, that I have a reason to belong. I was very afraid that if I wasn't into all the same things that everyone else was, if I didn't have a common element, I'd be... not disowned or kicked out, but just not as interesting to be with. Not an asset or anything like that. *shrugs*

But it's hard, time consuming and very frustrating to be someone you're not, just for the sake of acceptance from others. Even if they don't care that you aren't just like they are (and think you're stupid for speaking up like you do know and like it) there's still that feeling of "but I like this stuff, not that stuff" and you wonder.

I like research-- I like history and old buildings and sites. I like to cook and sing and I want to learn pottery and how to play the harp. I'm not an outgoing individual and it has nothing to do with self-confidence. I know what I like to do and I know that I'm good at what I focus on. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be the techie rather than the lead star. If everyone is the star, who helps support them?

Basically, what I'm saying was that for awhile, I lost sight of "me" to what I wanted others to like me for. I was playing a false game because what I liked to do is considered boring or adult-like or just something that needs to be improved on. I like reading and writing and being alone. I like having fun with groups of people and getting lost in the crowd of them. Conventions are great; it's a way to bond with others and share a love of being an anime/video game/book/whatever flavor of nerd you choose. It's okay to be me; it's not okay to pretend to be someone I'm not. Pretending to know stuff and speaking up about it just makes you look ignorant.

I'm finding my niche in life.
lazchan: (Default)
So didn't get much sleep last night, but 1. I couldn't sleep and 2. had a long msn conversation with a friend.

life as I found out... )
lazchan: (small brain)
Look, an actual entry~

Work is a better, filled with a little more hope. This week went by better at least-- and if I can stay on the billing/video side, I can survive this job a little bit longer until I get one in my field.

I need to stop being such an emo child when it comes to other things, though. Not being self-deprecating or trying to make a situation a certain way. It doesn't come off nice, it comes off whiny and babyish and rather stupid sounding. D:

I really need to grow up.
lazchan: (Default)
The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really, we know nothing about each other. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away. Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you!
lazchan: (tea please?)
1. Take a picture of yourself right now.
2. Don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair...just take a picture.
3. Post that picture with NO editing. (Except maybe to get the image size down to something reasonable.)
4. Post these instructions with your picture.

Ugh, let's hear it for Laz looks like crap. D:
lazchan: (Default)
Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little-known facts about yourself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird habits/things/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

and meh to being tagged. Do it if you want. =D

I'm rather boring, you think? )


lazchan: (Default)

March 2014

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