lazchan: (blah blah blah)
Who is that girl I see, staring straight, back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide, who I am, though I've tried
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Self-image is a funny thing; how you perceive yourself and what others perceive of you. It's almost hard when you try very hard to alter your image to fit that of those around you, even if they don't care. It's that whole concept of "fitting in" that never goes away. For a while now, I've been trying to get back into the groove of things, of people and events and what's going on. A conversation with a friend made me realize a few things.

Namely: It's okay to not pretend to be interested in something that I'm really not all that into. It's okay to be quiet and sit back and listen to the others talk, without trying to chime in, just so that I feel like I belong in the group, that I have a reason to belong. I was very afraid that if I wasn't into all the same things that everyone else was, if I didn't have a common element, I'd be... not disowned or kicked out, but just not as interesting to be with. Not an asset or anything like that. *shrugs*

But it's hard, time consuming and very frustrating to be someone you're not, just for the sake of acceptance from others. Even if they don't care that you aren't just like they are (and think you're stupid for speaking up like you do know and like it) there's still that feeling of "but I like this stuff, not that stuff" and you wonder.

I like research-- I like history and old buildings and sites. I like to cook and sing and I want to learn pottery and how to play the harp. I'm not an outgoing individual and it has nothing to do with self-confidence. I know what I like to do and I know that I'm good at what I focus on. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be the techie rather than the lead star. If everyone is the star, who helps support them?

Basically, what I'm saying was that for awhile, I lost sight of "me" to what I wanted others to like me for. I was playing a false game because what I liked to do is considered boring or adult-like or just something that needs to be improved on. I like reading and writing and being alone. I like having fun with groups of people and getting lost in the crowd of them. Conventions are great; it's a way to bond with others and share a love of being an anime/video game/book/whatever flavor of nerd you choose. It's okay to be me; it's not okay to pretend to be someone I'm not. Pretending to know stuff and speaking up about it just makes you look ignorant.

I'm finding my niche in life.
lazchan: (Default)
So didn't get much sleep last night, but 1. I couldn't sleep and 2. had a long msn conversation with a friend.

life as I found out... )
lazchan: (smile)
I'm kind of surprised I haven't posted this on my journal yet. >.>

I'm finally moving away from Utah; after so long, I'm going back to the east coast. I originally moved to Utah somewhere in 2001, been back and forth a few times since then. Once I went back home, another time I went to Japan. I've graduated college, though-- and it's time to hit the road.

blah blah blah )

Now, though-- I've decided it's actually a really good decision. I'll be moving back near family (well, not all of it's good) back near friends and places I grew up near. Utah's been very nice, don't get me wrong- but I'm an east coast girl at heart and I miss a ton of little, weird stuff.

Fireflies and the ocean and history and forests... *laughs* There's bunches of little stuff and I know a lot of it has changed, but Virginia was my home state and probably a place I'll gravitate back to time and again.

I'll be moving in less than three months and that's just scary as hell. I'm packing up stuff, will eventually ship it out once I organize stuff and figure out how I'm going to organize it-- books are all off the shelf and I'll tackle my closet next. Going to buy clothing squish stuff to make my suitcase hold more. As always, the stuff that takes up the most space are my books.

One thing I'll miss are the friendships I've developed here. I've made some great friends and had great times. My friends range from being older than me to younger than me-- and that's just fine. *laughs* Some are married with kids now and others are the Lost Boys. I'm totally a Lost Boy still and it's more fun that way, I think. But in terms of friendship-- it's a tricky thing. I know distance won't mess things that much... and it might make some things easier. My headspace is a weird thing and trying to explain it sometimes comes off sour. In short, I will miss the people here, but it will go on and that's what the internet is for. :P

I'll be moving in with one old friend and one new friend-- it should be interesting! A is a great person and we knew each other since right after I graduated high school. We'll watch Who and Merlin and play games and dress up and be silly.

I'm scared to death to be moving- there's a lot of uncertainty ahead and I know it'll all come through somehow, I don't like my pathway undefined. I like to make sure that it's set and I have a place to set my feet on and go forward; a goal in mind. Utah's become sort of a comfort space, but like many comfort zones, it wraps you it cotton and doesn't let you see what's outside of the pretty box. You have to step forward, crush the box and see where you can go next. Boxes are nice and comforting, but terribly confining. I know this'll be a good choice, it's just so hard right now.

I have friends here and there and life will make a way to work itself out.
lazchan: (blah blah blah)
On dA, there's this thing called "Shout it Out" -- a way of combining words and images together for feelings. Or something like that. :P My friend had done it ages ago, I was bored and needed to kick out the stuff that I bottle up and then just some stuff that' just me.

here be a pic )
lazchan: (childhood love)
Well, 2010 is almost over and it's been one hell of a year.

There have been some kickin' awesome moments-- winning third place in a cosplay contest that we'd hardly practiced for -- meeting up with old friends, meeting new friends... growing more confident.

There have been some really bad moments, too-- it's probably one of the worst years I've had in ages and that's saying a lot. ^^; I've been up and down and I've questioned myself a great deal to the point it hurts.

Suffice to say, I put myself in a corner so badly that it radiated outward and damaged a lot of people; people hurt me and it was just one huge mess starting from the end of May onward. It apparently had gone on longer than that, but... *shrugs* No one had a super-amazing year. It's strange how hurt works. You get hurt and you want to lash out or you retreat so badly in your hurt, you don't realize what you're doing to other people. Or worse-- you realize what you're doing and continue doing so.

I've worked on myself a lot and grown more confident, assured-- knowing more of what I can do and how others view me. Learning that it doesn't mean a raindrop in flood. I'm me-- yes, it's good to be aware of how my actions can hurt others, but I can't let them control me, either. If I want to be who I am, I can be and no one can tell me any different.

This upcoming year, I'm going to be even stronger. I'm looking forward, looking up and outward; thinking more positively and learning to trust more, especially when it comes to friendships. Trust that it takes time, trust that they'll be there without me asking; being patient and waiting.

I've done some stuff that I'm not proud of, followed people's opinions without thinking of my own, thinking of that nagging voice inside my head and causing pain to a good friend. Being jealous over stupid crap; getting so wrapped up in one thing that I don't see the logic in the other. I'm going to move past that. No one should dictate who you are and how you should think or act.

I want to be a better friend to people and I want to learn to know when to step back. Things aren't ever going to be the same as they were before, but perhaps wishing for them to be is a mistake. Those people that were friends before-- they've changed. I've changed-- and forging a new friendship with those changes is better.

I won't be so scared.

This is a new year with new changes and chances and I'll make the best of it. I'm hoping to move back east at some point next year, but the problems that made me want to run before aren't as obvious now-- still... I miss the east coast. Not necessarily my family itself, but my friends, opportunities and a chance to find out who I am without worrying about what I'm missing.

This coming year will be amazing.
lazchan: (Default)
A general thank you to all that listened to me vent, supported me when I needed it the most and also the very-needed smack, both figurative and literal. It's been a really hard few months, but it's been worth it. I've learned more about myself and others and how it works out in the long run.

Someone pointed out that from when they saw me a few months ago, to recently-- that I've matured a lot. There aren't enough words to express how happy that makes me. It means that my hard work, my struggles and an overall rewrite of how I should view things has worked. :) Thank you again.

:) All of you are my awesome friends and I totally am so happy that you are. :D
lazchan: (Default)
So sort of back from Banzai; at the airport, waiting for the shuttle to take me home. Just dropped off Ashley and miss having her around already. I really miss the east coast and having friends around. The weekend was pretty awesome; hung out with people, had jokes and saw a lot of good cosplayers, including a set of Doctors and a TARDIS. I freaked out a friend when I dressed as Sora for part of a day. :D Friends got close to winning Banzai Brawl and I was a guest for the Dating Game, dressed as Tifa. It twas hysterical. Bad Wolf won 1st place for Cosplay Skit; judging by the fangirl screams, it was a forgone conclusion. :) I'm a little sad that I wasn't in it, but I'm still really proud of them and glad that all the hard work paid off.

Saw a few of my friends, talked and managed to give Colt a hug a few times. Said hello a bit to a few other people, such as Sarah's cousins/friends. All the cosplays were awesome and a lot of the drama that I had absolute nightmares about didn't occur. :)
After the con, went to a friend's house from college and hung out the night there, had food and watched a couple of movies before we all crashed out. Long con was LONG. But it was a lot of fun; it meant a lot to have Ashley there. It made going to events fun and watching things fun, too.
lazchan: (Default)
It's funny how life can take all sorts of twists and turns. You grow and step back and then stumble forward into something else. For me, I had friendships that I'd cling to with every bit of me; too scared to even let one friend go, even if it hurt to be their friend.

I recently stopped being friends with someone because they stopped being friends with me. I know it sounds simple, but... I still wanted to be friends with them. They closed themselves off from me once I told them something about myself and it hurt so much to be shunned like I was. So I simply removed them from messages and my friends list. I'm tired of being the one to reach out always and not getting even a hand out in return. If they can't accept me for what I am, then why am I trying to be friend with them?

It still hurts, though to push away something that meant so much to me.
lazchan: (distortion)
I have to wonder if its just a bad time of the year, or if I've inadvertently insulted someone so they don't talk to me.


Probably a busy, busy time of the year.
lazchan: (laughter)
My surreal moment of the morning...

someone coming up to me and asking me for help with a math thing. o_O

The boy must not know how... um... sad I am in the class. XDDDD
lazchan: (sleepy head)
I just want to actually sleep in tomorrow. For the past few days, I've slept badly and woken up early; usually at the end of some weird dream.

>_> I woke up three hours before my alarm was to go off this morning. *headdesk* If I didn't have class in a few hours, I'd totally take this time to crash.


lazchan: (Default)

March 2014

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