lazchan: (blah blah blah)
Who is that girl I see, staring straight, back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide, who I am, though I've tried
When will my reflection show who I am inside?



Self-image is a funny thing; how you perceive yourself and what others perceive of you. It's almost hard when you try very hard to alter your image to fit that of those around you, even if they don't care. It's that whole concept of "fitting in" that never goes away. For a while now, I've been trying to get back into the groove of things, of people and events and what's going on. A conversation with a friend made me realize a few things.

Namely: It's okay to not pretend to be interested in something that I'm really not all that into. It's okay to be quiet and sit back and listen to the others talk, without trying to chime in, just so that I feel like I belong in the group, that I have a reason to belong. I was very afraid that if I wasn't into all the same things that everyone else was, if I didn't have a common element, I'd be... not disowned or kicked out, but just not as interesting to be with. Not an asset or anything like that. *shrugs*

But it's hard, time consuming and very frustrating to be someone you're not, just for the sake of acceptance from others. Even if they don't care that you aren't just like they are (and think you're stupid for speaking up like you do know and like it) there's still that feeling of "but I like this stuff, not that stuff" and you wonder.

I like research-- I like history and old buildings and sites. I like to cook and sing and I want to learn pottery and how to play the harp. I'm not an outgoing individual and it has nothing to do with self-confidence. I know what I like to do and I know that I'm good at what I focus on. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be the techie rather than the lead star. If everyone is the star, who helps support them?

Basically, what I'm saying was that for awhile, I lost sight of "me" to what I wanted others to like me for. I was playing a false game because what I liked to do is considered boring or adult-like or just something that needs to be improved on. I like reading and writing and being alone. I like having fun with groups of people and getting lost in the crowd of them. Conventions are great; it's a way to bond with others and share a love of being an anime/video game/book/whatever flavor of nerd you choose. It's okay to be me; it's not okay to pretend to be someone I'm not. Pretending to know stuff and speaking up about it just makes you look ignorant.

I'm finding my niche in life.
lazchan: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

Well, let's end the old year with one confession, shall we?

Day Ten )

So there we have it. ^__^
lazchan: (allanact)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

day nine )
lazchan: (moonflowers)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

day eight )

Somehow, I think I did that wrong... :D
lazchan: (childhood love)
Well, 2010 is almost over and it's been one hell of a year.

There have been some kickin' awesome moments-- winning third place in a cosplay contest that we'd hardly practiced for -- meeting up with old friends, meeting new friends... growing more confident.

There have been some really bad moments, too-- it's probably one of the worst years I've had in ages and that's saying a lot. ^^; I've been up and down and I've questioned myself a great deal to the point it hurts.

Suffice to say, I put myself in a corner so badly that it radiated outward and damaged a lot of people; people hurt me and it was just one huge mess starting from the end of May onward. It apparently had gone on longer than that, but... *shrugs* No one had a super-amazing year. It's strange how hurt works. You get hurt and you want to lash out or you retreat so badly in your hurt, you don't realize what you're doing to other people. Or worse-- you realize what you're doing and continue doing so.

I've worked on myself a lot and grown more confident, assured-- knowing more of what I can do and how others view me. Learning that it doesn't mean a raindrop in flood. I'm me-- yes, it's good to be aware of how my actions can hurt others, but I can't let them control me, either. If I want to be who I am, I can be and no one can tell me any different.

This upcoming year, I'm going to be even stronger. I'm looking forward, looking up and outward; thinking more positively and learning to trust more, especially when it comes to friendships. Trust that it takes time, trust that they'll be there without me asking; being patient and waiting.

I've done some stuff that I'm not proud of, followed people's opinions without thinking of my own, thinking of that nagging voice inside my head and causing pain to a good friend. Being jealous over stupid crap; getting so wrapped up in one thing that I don't see the logic in the other. I'm going to move past that. No one should dictate who you are and how you should think or act.

I want to be a better friend to people and I want to learn to know when to step back. Things aren't ever going to be the same as they were before, but perhaps wishing for them to be is a mistake. Those people that were friends before-- they've changed. I've changed-- and forging a new friendship with those changes is better.

I won't be so scared.

This is a new year with new changes and chances and I'll make the best of it. I'm hoping to move back east at some point next year, but the problems that made me want to run before aren't as obvious now-- still... I miss the east coast. Not necessarily my family itself, but my friends, opportunities and a chance to find out who I am without worrying about what I'm missing.

This coming year will be amazing.
lazchan: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.


Uh.... okay, so--turn offs. *tilts head up to the sky and thinks* (tomorrow's will be even harder, cause I don't think they even exist.)

day seven )

No one ever said this had to be physical... :P
lazchan: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

day six )

This one was harder than the rest-- cause there are more than five people that mean a lot to me. ^^;
lazchan: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

Days Four and Five will be together, since Day 4 I was away from my computer.

day four )


day five )
lazchan: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

day three )
lazchan: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

day two )
lazchan: (me)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

day one )

taken from [livejournal.com profile] dqbunny
lazchan: (Default)
A general thank you to all that listened to me vent, supported me when I needed it the most and also the very-needed smack, both figurative and literal. It's been a really hard few months, but it's been worth it. I've learned more about myself and others and how it works out in the long run.

Someone pointed out that from when they saw me a few months ago, to recently-- that I've matured a lot. There aren't enough words to express how happy that makes me. It means that my hard work, my struggles and an overall rewrite of how I should view things has worked. :) Thank you again.

:) All of you are my awesome friends and I totally am so happy that you are. :D
lazchan: (Default)
It's funny how life can take all sorts of twists and turns. You grow and step back and then stumble forward into something else. For me, I had friendships that I'd cling to with every bit of me; too scared to even let one friend go, even if it hurt to be their friend.

I recently stopped being friends with someone because they stopped being friends with me. I know it sounds simple, but... I still wanted to be friends with them. They closed themselves off from me once I told them something about myself and it hurt so much to be shunned like I was. So I simply removed them from messages and my friends list. I'm tired of being the one to reach out always and not getting even a hand out in return. If they can't accept me for what I am, then why am I trying to be friend with them?

It still hurts, though to push away something that meant so much to me.

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