lazchan: (blah blah blah)
[personal profile] lazchan
Who is that girl I see, staring straight, back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide, who I am, though I've tried
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Self-image is a funny thing; how you perceive yourself and what others perceive of you. It's almost hard when you try very hard to alter your image to fit that of those around you, even if they don't care. It's that whole concept of "fitting in" that never goes away. For a while now, I've been trying to get back into the groove of things, of people and events and what's going on. A conversation with a friend made me realize a few things.

Namely: It's okay to not pretend to be interested in something that I'm really not all that into. It's okay to be quiet and sit back and listen to the others talk, without trying to chime in, just so that I feel like I belong in the group, that I have a reason to belong. I was very afraid that if I wasn't into all the same things that everyone else was, if I didn't have a common element, I'd be... not disowned or kicked out, but just not as interesting to be with. Not an asset or anything like that. *shrugs*

But it's hard, time consuming and very frustrating to be someone you're not, just for the sake of acceptance from others. Even if they don't care that you aren't just like they are (and think you're stupid for speaking up like you do know and like it) there's still that feeling of "but I like this stuff, not that stuff" and you wonder.

I like research-- I like history and old buildings and sites. I like to cook and sing and I want to learn pottery and how to play the harp. I'm not an outgoing individual and it has nothing to do with self-confidence. I know what I like to do and I know that I'm good at what I focus on. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be the techie rather than the lead star. If everyone is the star, who helps support them?

Basically, what I'm saying was that for awhile, I lost sight of "me" to what I wanted others to like me for. I was playing a false game because what I liked to do is considered boring or adult-like or just something that needs to be improved on. I like reading and writing and being alone. I like having fun with groups of people and getting lost in the crowd of them. Conventions are great; it's a way to bond with others and share a love of being an anime/video game/book/whatever flavor of nerd you choose. It's okay to be me; it's not okay to pretend to be someone I'm not. Pretending to know stuff and speaking up about it just makes you look ignorant.

I'm finding my niche in life.
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March 2014

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